How To Human

{Pilots in giant war machines, synced to a metal body. A new body, better than the meat that holds them together. The mind is disconnected from the true body, the flesh is temporary while the machine eternal.}

I struggle with depersonalization-derealization disorder. I've known this for a long time. I've had issues with it since I was a teenager in high school struggling to survive through all the hell that is that along side mental illness. DpDr is commonly a coping mechanism for the brain, due to trauma or high stress. That along side gender dysphoria, what comes with gender dysphoria it was a lot to deal with in highschool.

{I was born to pilot a mech. I am nothing without the machine. I am to be sharpened and used. I am useful as a weapon. Sick me on anyone for your enjoyment. Let me bite, claw, and tear them apart.}

The common example of my depersonalization is comparing it to that of a mech pilot. The idea of having to pilot a mech you aren't synced too. The disconnect between their mind and the body of the machine. That's how most days feel to me. A mind in a machine that they barely control.

{What is a blade for if not to cut. What is a gun for if not to be shot. What is a weapon for if not to hurt.}

Its gone on long enough that I have trouble identifying with being human. It might feel like a bad coping method to some, however I think the ways in which I've identified with other things has actually helped. Helped in understanding myself on a deeper level than just going through the motions ever did. My brain is not perfect but it doesn't have to be for me to live with it.

{I was born to guard. I am nothing without my purpose. Cerberus at the gate of the underworld to stop the dead from leaving. I am a dog. I am the great Pyrenees guarding live stock. Let me guard whatever needs protecting.}

There are many characters or entities I identify with that feel far more me than any other. These usually fall under categories, those of service creatures, or those of people struggling with their humanity.

{I am a guard dog. Let me protect. Make me useful through the labor of protection. Let me take the hit so you shall survive.}

Being a human slowly makes less and less sense to me. I don't think I'm searching for humanity though, I'm searching for finding myself in the vast unknowing nature of what I am.

{What am I?}

Being a person is hard when you don't understand your own humanity. I bring up mech pilots, despite them not existing. I can identify with the stories, the characters. The way in which they struggle with humanity and being a person is real. To understand my brain as a mech pilot is to understand my brain. I bring up dogs because being a human is hard. Dogs exist in the sphere of humans, companions, loved and giving love. To understand my brain as a dog is to understand my brain.

{A being that is useful}

A mech pilot is useful. They have a job to do, a person to tell them what to do. They are honed and created to be useful for somebody. A dog is loved even if they are not useful. Some dogs just laze around all day and are still loved. I am a useful dog though. I protect those around me. I am a pilot. I am a dog. I am Cerberus.

{A being that is nothing.}

Gender becomes hard when you don't understand your own person-hood. I am a woman. I fight to be a woman. Sometimes, I am not though. Sometimes I am ∅. Often I am a woman. However I am also ∅ Gender is weird. How does one feel ∅? Why do I feel ∅? Not lack of gender. Devoid of gender. Gender∅. Gendervoid. How am I both ∅ and a woman?

{The fog is coming.}

Things become much harder when your brain and your body don't feel connected. Emotions that seem easy just don't exist. I am not happy, but I am not sad. I am not calm, but I am not angry. I am not feeling anything, Its not some dull ache, its a complete lack of emotion. A ∅ emotion.

{A haze settling over the landscape.}

When your brain is so fogged, nothing feels real. I could identify hundreds of items in my vicinity, Tell you the color of every object in a room, touch every single one. It doesn't bring me back to myself. It does nothing for me.

{A false body and a fake soul}

I'm already forgetful enough without it. When its fogged though it becomes even worse. Things blur so much it's a haze of nothing and everything. Until I get little bouts of not feeling disconnected, then I can remember. Moments the fog clears. Moments I'm talking with friends are the most often, though not always.

{I am neither false nor fake.}

I am the people around me. I am the bonds I have made. I am one with the people I love, It all feels easier around them. Like little bits and pieces of me come back when I get to be with people who care about me. No matter how gone my mind feels sometimes.

{I am formed by interaction of others. They create me as I create them. These relationships and interactions serve to shape the patterns of my heart and mind.}

I struggle with interactions, what is there to say when I am ∅? How do you interact with the people you talk too? I don't know when I am not interacting with people I care about. Its like the flesh and the ∅ is synced together. A surprising amount of clarity in those moments. Though some things dont go away. ∅ is still there, the true self would not exist without ∅. Therefore the true self is also still a dog, the true self is still a pilot. ∅ does not disappear because it syncs with the body. its two parts of my self that coexist in those moments.

{The formed self a true reflection. The unformed self an imitation}

To interface with people, The pilot, the dog. They are the ones I interface through. The things which I am that prop up the false self. The thing that interacts and seems human enough for those that do not see the true self. They help in a way that is hard to understand. I don't need to feel human to let those aspects of me take the load off of being around people. The self they create for interfacing is a shell of the true self. One that doesn't need to sync with the flesh to interact, but doesn't feel whole. Doesn't need to feel whole to atleast get through the interactions. The pilot is careful. Takes their time to understand a situation, analyzing. The pilot is always ready for a threat, though they may not come. The dog is kind, protective. Knows how to smile when it needs, knows how to be the nice on. The dog is always ready to be kind. Together they form a whole that works when they are needed away from the true self.

{There is never enough of the self. There is never too much of the self.}

It can be hard to not doubt myself, or worry I'm not good enough to have friends. I worry I'm not there enough for people. I'm not there enough for me, how can I be there for my friends? I don't want to ask them either, that feels like I'm searching for some complement. Like if I tell you I'm not there enough, how do I know you don't feel obligated to tell me I am? I know I care at least, the simple fact of worrying is enough to understand I care. The issue comes when I've been so blank all day, I didn't really think of anything or anyone. Pass maybe a passive thought of wanting to be near them. That doesn't feel the same though. This is the only fear of my head space, is that it distances me too much from people I care about, or people I want to be better friends with.

{How to human?}

I don't know.

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Love Every Trans Woman You Meet Before It's Too Late.